It is my intention, God and the ever present threat of cell searches allowing, to keep you informed of life from this side of the wall and my own special opinions on life, philosophy and politics. I'm Eddie, and unlike most of my co-horts in here I don't make up any excuses.
Just as a happy coincidence me and Billy have got a new cell mate, his name is PULLIN. Considering what that rymes with it seems more appropriate. I'm so worried that the screws are going start confusing us with them that I've decided to start using the term I've heard the northerners use: BOSS. Other than picking up his grammar and verbal spelling, I guess that's fair enough but I couldn't help noticing it rhymes with the word that's used most often in here: GUV, which is short for governor, or put in jailbird terms the more simpleGUV'NOR - the word we use to address the boys in black and white. He looked as shocked as George Osbourne looking at his wage packet when he answered, 'it means bruvva from another muvva!' Why does everyone in here obsess with tagging me their brother? So I asked him, why call me bruv, mate?' It seems to be happening more and more for some reason and it got me thinking. Not that it bothered me per se, lending burn means being paid back double bubble, and being owed a favour (I know, I'm scum) but it was the being called bruv that got to me. He said, 'have you got any spare burn, bruv?' I was just walking around the wing, minding my business when a brother in chains came up to me, asking to borrow some tobacco. I love the litigation culture long may it continue. That being the case, I'm going to call the next Guv down the landing and say, loud and proud, ' QUIET TODAY GUV, INNIT?' If he proceeds to bend me up for saying it I'll be on the phone to my solicitor quicker than you can say European Court of Human Rights. Then again, perhaps that makes for great, celestial entertainment.
Obviously, if there is some higher presence out there with a sense of humour, acting to reverse all happy sentiments then they're not going to stop because of staff beating each other up. The pleasantry is often met by much shouting and on occasions staff being bent up by other staff as this somehow will retract the evil words once they've been spoken. It's as if all evils will befall anyone who quite innocently passes by and says to a colleague, 'nice and quiet today innit?' Yippee!! So I urge you Cameron, May and Clegg sponsor Jeremy Kyle, it's the country's only hope.Ī strange thing I've noticed I nedd to share with you is the behaviour some of the screws around here exhibit at what they call THE Q-WORD.įor all you straights, law abiding citizens and non-prison goers what this translates to is the word 'QUIET.' Also, less police, and good old fashioned career criminals like me could carry on unhindered. Then they could carry on giving money to the Greeks and going to pointless wars without anyone caring.
Eddie phelps how to#
If the authorities stopped using psychologists to teach us how to remember our pasts and improve our thinking skills and started getting the Kylester to say things like Crime guys, don't do it - go and get a job instead!! Then trust me, crime rates would fall, the economy would recover and the Government could cut police and prison budgets without anyone noticing. papers - but that's not the best way to take advantage. Sales would increase quicker than benefit thief changing I.D. Nike sports goods, tobacco and mobile phones would be a good place to start. If, as they seem to be, all convicted, low level criminals are so mesmerised by this televisual feast, then why doesn't the Government take advantage.Ī bit of direct advertising of products popular with prisoners could boost the economy and get the country back on its' feet for starters. I suppose he's kind of saying you're all scum, but you don't know you are!! It's all complete trash but Billy, and most of the blokes on the wing never stop talking about it. Jeremy (Kyle in this case) takes great pleasure in luring his guests with sympathy before shouting obscenities in their faces. It's kind of like Jeremy Springer but without the class. It never ceases to amaze me how many people try and beat it, before admitting the truth that they had indeed sh***d everyone on the council estate.
Eddie phelps tv#
It seems to me that my cell mate, Billy, spends an awful lot of his time watching that great hero of the underclass, Jeremy Kyle.įor those of you not familiar with the great man's work he runs a daily TV programme, sorting out various issues such as who's the father DNA testing and my personal favourite The lie detector test.
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